Riding the Struggle Bus

As I sit here watching a game of volleyball (I’m sitting on the third floor of my college campus library), I have to admit I’m feeling drained. Work has been especially stressful as has my personal life. It honestly feels like I’m buried alive. Between being sick, work being unbearable, the kid being sick, and financial problems, I haven’t had a moment to breathe.

I talk about going to town and charging my car and writing a lot (If you are wondering or asking what I’m talking about, check out my twitter. Find me at AlleyArticle). Many would say that’s your time to breathe and recharge. However, it isn’t. Sure, it takes me out of it all for a short time period every day, but it doesn’t solve the problems completely. This Friday is my last day at my current job, then I have two weeks before I start my new job. Next week, I have appointments spread out across the days that I’ve been putting off for a while. But other than that I intend on relaxing. The baby will go to daycare. I will sleep in until at least 8 (yes, for me that is sleeping in as I get up at 5 am every day right now).

I was going to change my last day until the Friday before I start my new job, but I’ve decided I need the time off. I need to go to these appointments. With me home to take care of things, my fiancé will be able to work long hours. I’ll be able to recoup before a new job. And hopefully, we will get things back on track.

It’s funny how stress can affect mental health. With everything going on, my anxiety is through the roof as is my depression. I’m forced to pull longer days at my current job to close out everything I need to before Friday which is causing more anxiety. Last night, I had a meltdown about everything going on. What started it was the caring question of a close friend/mentor of mine. I needed someone to ask me the question. And listen. She shared some great wisdom with me and listened to me talk about it without judging me for it.

My psychiatrist upped my depression medication when  I saw him. I have yet to take the higher dose, honestly. I’m afraid to. I’m afraid it’ll be too much. Of course, I know I need to follow instructions and take it because he knows what he is doing. Next week, I’ll go to my counseling appointment for the first time in over a month…Did I already mention that I’ve been putting appointments off for a while now? I’m nervous she’ll tell me I made a rash decision by deciding to take two weeks off before starting my new job.

Throughout the last while, I’ve struggled hard to get on board with what life is throwing me. I’ve argued with my fiancé, myself, our housemate, and God. I’ve cried and screamed. I’ve tried running away. Yet, I’m stuck having to deal with it all. I’ve tried shopping it away (all that does is add more financial burden). Finally, I’m having to look at what I can change. I am no longer able to ignore my part in everything.

Here are the steps I’m taking:

  1. I’m taking a two week break before my next job
  2. I’m spending money as frugally as possible.
  3. I’m going to my counseling appointment.
  4. I’m trying to go to sleep earlier and get more sleep.
  5. I’m doing DAILY self-care.

What are you struggling with today?

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